I suppose up till now I have only posted when I had something external to share. It doesn't always occur to me to share whats going on inside but I created this blog for both. Come June (if things proceed according to schedule) this blog will be replaced with a more formal website for Kind Organics.

Since I began this commitment to start the farm and do what it takes to get there, I have had many nights where it has been difficult to fall asleep. I am usually awake in bed tossing and turning till about 2am these days. Sometimes I am lying awake in excitement about where my life is heading, at other times I am awake processing what the next steps are to continue the journey towards my vision. But a lot of the time there is also fear, lots and lots of fear. Fear of what I'm doing, of the magnitude of it. Fear of how much work its going to be & if I am up to it at the fragile age of 33 :). I have a lot of recovering to do in order to get my body back up to the stamina and well being of where it was at in my twenties. Working in real estate over the past five years has meant a lot of sitting around and driving and not a lot of movement and exercise. The so called panic attack symptoms that started on Dec 4th 2008, are mostly gone but every once in a while another one comes and then I feel fatigued for a few days and have trouble breathing (cant afford to take a few days off once I am farming). June is going to be very busy! Within the first two weeks I need to paint the house and do some repairs, tear down the greenhouse, move it and put it up on the new property, till, disc and harrow the ground, build beds and plant seeds. I need to build a walk-in fridge and about 1000 feet of shelves for the greenhouse (I should be doing all of that now but we cant get the place till June), oh yeah and then there's the little matter of packing and moving. Any help would be most welcome, I dare not ask our family, they have helped us soo much already (through countless moves), I feel indebted to them on many levels. There is also the financial fear; taking another financial risk in my life. I have taken many risks before and fear hasn't stopped me but this time the stakes are higher and I feel more intense about it (I have my family to think about). I am also scared for Sasha; He is starting grade 1 next year, it will be at a new school in Kettleby. We visited the school last week and its very institutional, a far cry from Alpha alternative where he has been for the past 2 years. We have a picture on our fridge of Sasha lying on top of an older boy he looks up to who is reading a book to him. They are lying on a couch in their class room. Its safe to say we can kiss those kind of bonds goodbye, that kind of affection gets children labeled with a problem in a regular public school. I am sure Sasha will adjust (he is very good at that) but adjusting and thriving are of different orders.

I know that once everything is set up, things are growing and I have succesfully sold at a few farmers markets things will settle down, I will feel more secure. Its hard right now because there is so much that needs to be done and I cant do most of it for another month. (Just need to stay in the creative void for now I guess.)

On a technical note; I haven't been able to fix the glitch with posting comments yet, thanks to those that have commented by email. I will look into it further but this site is a temporary measure while we are working on something more "professional" to replace it (there will still be a blog section). Thanks for reading and much love to you all!